From the intake in March, the psychologist was dismissive of me being autistic. So, I know I’m not getting that DX. But, I am curious how she thinks she will help if she diagnoses me with what I THINK she will. What? She doesn’t give a shit about HELPING.
I think I will get diagnosed with: depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a mild learning disability. Uh, thanks. Oh, and maybe bipolar or ADHD? None of these really help. If I had severe bipolar, I could get help. But I’m not manic or really depressed. (When I’m depressed, it’s because of circumstances, not a chemical imbalance). I’ve never been hospitalized.
Interesting how all of a sudden, I have a mild learning disability. Out of the blue!!! Wow, I’m amazing. Seriously mild learning disabilities are prevalent. Most people probably don’t get diagnosed. It’s not a disability per SSI. If that is a person’s only disability, they can work 40 hours a week. They can start a business or work for someone else. Will they be an engineer? Probably not, but I bet there are a few people with mild disabilities who are engineers.
Dyslexia is considered a mild learning disability. So many people have dyslexia. Albert Einstein, Steven Speilberg, Muhammad Ali, Cher, Hans Christian Anderson, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Warren Buffet, Andy Warhol, and more. Most people don’t consider it a disability because it doesn’t HAVE TO have any effect on their lives that much. But technically, it is a mild learning disability.
I read a lot at work, do some math (not engineer math), and analyze things ALL DAY. So, a mild learning disability is like having a common cold. It only sucks if you really wanted a specific career or hobby and can’t do it due to the learning issue. For example, I can’t knit socks, and yes, sometimes I think that sucks. But I can knit a scarf. LOL. I also can’t play guitar or most sports. It could be due to autism and NOT necessarily a learning disability. Both involve being uncoordinated.
I can kind of see where I could have a very mild learning disability…I made good grades all throughout school so…I was even in a gifted program!! I think it was math-related. Of course, I was in honor classes. Anyway, having a mild learning disability doesn’t cause all the issues I’m dealing with. Burnout, stress, etc. Well, that’s because I’m working a lot which is very bad for autism. Anything overstimulating is bad for autism.
I have one LAST appointment. I will not be going back. I will point out that:
- I was reading Stephen King at 12 years old. Salem’s Lot or The Stand was first. I have read these books multiple times. I’m thinking about reading Salem’s Lot again.
- Also, read The Biography of Malcolm X in junior high. For fun.
- I got a paralegal certificate from George Mason University about 15 years ago. It was challenging, and I couldn’t get that certificate now due to my memory issues AND lack of time. (She already knows about my bachelor’s and is using that against me for diagnosing me with autism – so all this stuff will NOT help with getting an autism DX from her).
- I did great on all the standardized tests in elementary school. This stands out because the teacher said, “you did better than your sister!” Both of us were considered smart. After elementary school, I didn’t keep up with scores or I don’t remember seeing them.
- I made straight A’s at least one year in junior high. During the other years, I always made at least one B.
- The main thing is that I read. ALL THE TIME. That was the only thing I did while growing up. It was my escape. My safety net. And wearing a jacket even if it was 90 degrees (a sign of autism – just sayin’).
I did have problems with calculus. I passed pre-cal, but calculus nearly killed me in college. Also, I wasn’t good at writing long papers. If I could say it in 300 words, why write 600? (How autistic of me!)
I will write down questions for her when I get HER results. I have already written down a few like:
- Have you ever heard of autism being commonly dx for women at age 40?
- Ever heard of masking?
If she says no, I know she knows NOTHING about adult autism. I don’t think I will get a lot of time to ask questions about autism because she’s not going to diagnose me with it, and I don’t want to waste time. But this will prove to ME that I need to go to someone who knows about autism and let me know that she shouldn’t be diagnosing adults with autism.
Oh, the assessment sucked. It was triggering when the other doctor said, “Why do you think you have autism?” Why the FUCK do you think I’m here? I drove 40 minutes (and got lost, of course), and you gave me an IQ test, a regular mental health test (covers everything), and a sensory processing test.
I did HORRIBLE on the sensory test. (A sign of autism, btw). But people with some learning disabilities like dyslexia can do poorly on sensory tests. I think I did okay on the IQ test. There were 2 parts, so I’m not sure.
It was so bad when I got out of the doctor’s office; I didn’t apply for what could have been a dream job, didn’t do work for my clients, and had problems sleeping. If the job is still available tomorrow, I will apply. It’s remote. It’s close to what I do as a business. The job doesn’t offer as much flexibility as freelancing.
It is full-time, but I’m pretty sure I could take a full hour for lunch on most days, and for now, that is what I want. I think benefits are included. Not sure about that. I started the application on Wednesday. I will have to ask for more if there are no benefits at all. But, of course, I’m not asking for a lot. I want to pay my bills and have savings (for an emergency and one $600 trip a year).
I have so much more to say about this, but I have to work for my clients tonight. I felt like shit after all that testing and didn’t do much work.
This Week I…
Music of the week: JoJo, Rachel Platten, Lissie, Joy Oladokun, Toby Lightman, Ellie Goulding, Jessica Simpson, Miranda Lambert,
TV of the Week: Bridgerton, Housewives
Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Truth & Justice, True Crime Garage, Up & Vanished, The Neurodivergent Woman, CounterClock, The Piketon Massacre
Books of the Week: I finished:
I give Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? 4 stars. I want to read it again. It has good stuff on anxiety and stress. She talked too much about relationships and the fear of dying. I don’t have a fear of dying. Bring it on (but after my dog dies and then will it be after my next dog dies?). Overall, I think most people interested in life in general will like this book.
I’m going to try to finish Autism in Heels and Maybe You Should Talk to Someone this weekend. Or at least one of these?
Goal for Next Week: BLAH. I don’t have any time off next week. If overtime is voluntary and I don’t think it will hurt my work, I will probably do 3 to 4 hours of overtime for the next 2 weeks. Then I have one day off for a mammogram on June 24. I haven’t had one in 3 years. I know I will get lectured (I have cysts), but hello? I was losing weight and vomiting due to gastroparesis. I wasn’t thinking about anything but that. And I’m only getting a mammogram this year because I don’t want to hear any crap from doctors.
Weekend Plans: BLAH again. I have so much to do!! I’m used to working, but not having to try to take apart a lawn mower, send back my work desktop (they sent me a laptop today), get the new laptop set up, and mail a card to my dad. Fuck cleaning the house. I don’t do shit I don’t NEED to do. So sorry dad if I don’t write. That can wait a few days. The assessment on Thursday really messed me up. It was a wasted day. Now I’m behind. And I have a lot of client work to do. I have to learn new stuff for E and a potential client. I haven’t even emailed the new person back after she booked an appointment. I will email her tomorrow. Too much on my mind tonight. Exhausted.
Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading!