My birthday is Monday, and I’m feeling depressed. If I got my usual week off, I would be happier even if I didn’t go anywhere. I need a break so bad.

Something scary happened on Thursday. It wasn’t as frightening as the visit to the ER. That was scary because I could barely get dressed and drive. I was so dizzy. I wasn’t going to call an ambulance and pay for that! I should have called an Uber, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.

Anyway, I lost all my cognitive function. I was watching Survivor during the one time I had to relax during a lunch break. And at one point, I had to rewind 4 or 5 times to understand what Jeff was saying. And it happened last season. It was simple. Anyone could understand. I had close captions on like I always do, which didn’t help.

I tried to work, and everything was so unclear. We are not allowed to do make-up time because we are treated like slaves. But I asked anyway because I was so freaked out by my ability not to be able to think. I couldn’t focus AT ALL. My manager said it was okay to make the 1.5 hours up if I did it that day. Geez. I have to get out of this place!! No compassion.

So I laid down for about 2 to 3 hours. My heart rate was high, and I could not sleep. But I had to go back to work. After that, things were a bit clearer, but I was still slow. All week has been challenging because they give me stuff I haven’t seen in over a year! Even without the recent memory problems, I can’t remember something I haven’t seen in a year.

I would say my job depends on it, but fuck my job. I wish I could sue them, but where I live, I can’t. I can’t get workers’ comp either.

But screw them. It’s about my life at this point. If I quit, I don’t get unemployment. So I will stay. After April 2023, I’m leaving no matter what. I no longer believe in someone owning my time, body, and spirit. That’s slave shit.

Please don’t talk about pay. They ruined my health, and the pay sucks. April 2023, and I’m gone. But I’ll probably be fired by then.

I talked to my doctor today. He ordered a CT scan. Ugh, so expensive, but not as expensive as a trip to the ER. It’s $250. I will have to go without some things. I’ve cut out so much. But I know I can save $40 more dollars a month.

I will be doing voluntary overtime starting June 6. But they are already talking about required OT. I’m going to ignore that. That’s another way to get fired quickly. Just don’t do required overtime. Fuck them. They ruined me for life. I hate them—the end.

The only good thing to come from this is that I know I never want to work for someone else full-time again. NEVER. Evil corporations. Not that all small businesses are good, but the billionaires at these companies are ruthless. They don’t care whether you live or die.

Back to my doctor: He said what every doctor says, “It’s probably work-related stress AKA burnout and depression.” Okay, doc. Let’s see what the CT scan says. If I had known the CT scan would cost $250, I would have asked for a full lab workout FIRST. Do the cheapest thing first, but doctors either don’t consider cost or think everyone has this excellent insurance that I don’t know about. At least he didn’t order an MRI. I would have said no to him on the phone. I know how much those costs. A trip to the ER is cheaper.

If I have a tumor or signs of dementia, I will die from both eventually. People with brain tumors can live for two years, but that’s with early detection. I’ve had these problems for a while, so I’m guessing less than a year. I will get MY money from my 401K and travel to South America for two weeks. I can probably do that for under $5,000.

I want to give some money to my sister, my mom and whoever will take care of my dog. I hope it is my mom. My dog only likes me, and he tolerates her. He doesn’t like my sister because he is not familiar with her. He used to bark at my dad. But my dad gave him some food, and now he doesn’t bark at him! Amazing. However, my dad can’t take care of him.

If it is dementia, I should have longer to live. I would go to South America and maybe one more country. I don’t want to leave my dog with my mom. But if I’m dying, I won’t feel as bad. I wish I could take him with me. The plane ride would be a nightmare. He is eight, and I don’t want to stress him out. I would probably stay in South America for a month. That’s it.

The more I read about CT scans and dementia, the more advanced it would have to be shown on a CT scan. I know I’m really young for dementia, but it runs in my family, and young-ish people get dementia. It’s rare, but it happens.

So those are my plans if the CT scan is bad. I’m also supposed to see a neuropsychologist. I don’t even know if he is in-network. He might cost $55 a visit. A regular psychologist doesn’t cost that much. But neuro makes him a specialist.

I’m feeling a little bit better. I’m dreaming of going to Costa Rica and Belize. But it might be malnutrition, burnout, or depression. Bummer. What am I supposed to do what that? Get disability like I could if I didn’t live in the United States? I could probably still get disability, but just thinking about the lawyer and paperwork. I don’t want to want to think about it.

I did buy myself three notebooks (pictured below) for writing my book, business notes, and one for doodling. So that’s what I got myself for my birthday. I’m going to pick it up on Monday. A while back, I was thinking of getting a refurbished iPad as a gift to myself. It’s on sale for $200, and I wish I could afford that, but I won’t be buying that.

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This Week I…

Music of the week: Boyce Avenue, Miranda Lambert, Joy Oladokun, Sam Smith, The Wreckers, Alanis Morrisette, Betty Who, Brynn Cartelli

FWIW, this is a little off. Something is wrong somewhere. Not a big deal, but I will figure it out.

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Housewives

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Truth & Justice, Crimelines, Hell and Gone, True Crime Garage, Joyful Marketing, Holistic Trauma Healing (don’t recommend this), Something Was Wrong (not good to sleep to), Dateline

Books of the Week: I finished reading Not a Happy Family by Shari Lapena. Fiction. Don’t recommend it. 3 stars. It’s a mystery, but too uh, slow and weird. I don’t know. I’m getting tired. I loved The Other Side of Yet by Michelle D Hord. It is not for people who don’t like violence. It’s not true crime. It is a story of someone who had someone killed, but it’s full of HOPE. I love hope. I don’t like toxic positivity. It’s very sad. I gave it ★★★★ 1/2 because some of it could have been cut out. But it is one of the best books I’ve read this year.

Goal for Next Week: Not working on my birthday. That’s my main goal. I’m working tonight, Saturday, and Sunday. I’m off from my day job on Monday and Tuesday. I will take my dog to the park and pick up groceries on Tuesday and then work for a few hours.

Weekend Plans:  Working. I potentially have new work with a client. I should know by tonight or tomorrow. I was supposed to mow the lawn on Wednesday, but it keeps raining, so I will have to mow it next week.

Have a lovely week. Thanks for reading!