Written on May 2, 2022, in my private journal:

I haven’t journaled in a while, but a lot has happened. April was going great, and then April 28th came. I’m glad I didn’t freak out and go to the ER. People say go to the ER. I don’t have $400 to go to the ER. Do people think it’s free? Some uninsured people might not have to pay, but I bet they will bill them if they keep going back.

Anyway, I’m much calmer now. If I have a brain tumor, I will die within a year, so why worry about that. I am concerned about my dog. I want him to go to my mom. But she won’t walk him. The vet would be okay. I would leave her enough money specifically for my dog’s medicine and vet trips. But he might be too scared to go in the van by himself, and then he’ll seem aggressive. I can’t do anything about my dog. We are perfect for each other. We are scared of people and bark at them, so they go away. But if something happens to me, my main concern is my dog.

It could be what E had. I think it was viral, and then she had a hard time with all her cognitive functioning. She went to Chicago and paid $5000 for treatment, and she is fine now. She still has to do brain practices. I don’t have $5,000 on a credit card or bank. So I don’t know what to do. I will work on the brain training apps. I’m in the 30th percentile for memory and almost all brain functions. That’s bad.

I don’t know how my autism test will go. It’s pointless to take if I can’t think. Getting a good night’s sleep would help. But if I’m anxious at 3 AM, nothing clams me down enough to go back to sleep. I can calm myself during the day, but maybe I get too irritated at night.

I will mention my memory problems to my caseworker when he calls, and if I see the doctor before taking the test, I will let her know. I can’t believe the test is going to be by myself. Everyone else said they had to make up a story to the doctor. Maybe I have to write it. I don’t think the doctor is taking this seriously. Can’t she see she’s wasting my time? I have to take the day off and drive back to my hometown to take an autism test when she’s just going to say, “you have anxiety and depression.” I disagree with the depression. But I do have anxiety—big time.

I’m not feeling good about my business. But we’ll see how the work stuff goes with E. I’m not doing L’s work until I get paid. So I am not doing a thing. And she’s not paying me enough. So if she goes silent, I will go silent. And that’s fine.

I have to do digital products because that fits me. I’m not good with one-on-one relationships, even though E and I are good now. And she pays well.

Tonight I want to relax. I did well at work. It’s 7:36 PM, and I want to maybe meditate at eight and then listen to an audio book until 9:30 and go to bed since I have to wake up early tomorrow.

I will try to be back this weekend with a real post. No time.