I have them figured out. I think. No, I know I do. But I still have questions about motivation and brain wiring. Is the “who me?” act real? When they don’t connect obvious things…they aren’t faking it? Research just confirmed that many of them who aren’t anxious or depressed don’t “hear” negative things. So they aren’t being intentionally delusional or even choosing to be overly optimistic. It’s how their brains are!

So do I stop treating these things as a deficit, or go, “It’s how they treat people. They still use deficit language?” Be the better person? But I’m not better than them. We are eye to eye. Hmmm. Well, today isn’t the day for that decision. 

Re therapy – the therapist treated me like a neurotypical therapist normally does. Insulting and condescending. Actually, that’s nicer than many, but I’m not giving her a pass for that. So no more therapy tries. And I hope the next person who recommends therapy burns alive right in front of me. We all have fantasies.

There was silence in over 50% of the session. That has never happened to me before. NEVER. And she said, “We have to find a way to fill the time.” Not really. There is no law saying she has to talk or I have to talk. She won’t lose her license. So even though she only said a few condescending things in one session, the damage she did was severe enough to make me know I never want to go back. To see the ugliness of them just dismissing an autistic client…is something I will never forget and didn’t need a reminder of. But thanks. 

I don’t need extra dehumanization during my lunch break. Seriously, can I get a break? Isn’t that why I have burnout in the first place? So BYE. And don’t harm others in the future. 

Earlier today I was doing some light reading and found this new research. “In terms of specific causes of death, psychiatric conditions were particularly associated with suicide across sexes.” Autistic people with psychiatric diagnoses die on average at age 46. But there is nothing to see here.

 Note: Unlike many, I know even the RIGHT therapy won’t solve all these problems. Nor medication. And I also question how they measure anxiety and other “psychiatric conditions.” Is sensory anxiety measurable by the GAD? Maybe, but is the “treatment” the same? NO. Please don’t put these people in traditional talk therapy even if they claim to be “neuro-affirming” (must be autistic-affirming, btw., NOT just ADHD). Some are lying about this. I have a doctor who says she was familiar with autism. LIES. People must be vetted.

But how many of these people went to a therapist and were treated like me or worse? Several. There are studies. Real data.  And no one is doing anything. No one is being held accountable. Everyone is passing the buck. There’s no one to blame. There’s simply nothing that can be done. These people MUST DIE BEFORE AGE 46.

This is the BS I’m hearing from all kinds of folks. Eff them. They are just as bad as anyone else. THINK. If it’s possible. Stop making excuses. And stop pretending autism informed therapy (where is that again?) actually is accessible. Anyone saying this is LYING.  Or prove it. Sure, there might be one therapist in one big city with 12 autistic clients. WHO THE EFF THINKS THIS IS ENOUGH? FFS, do these people believe in capitalism, self-help books (as a great resource for those really suffering), and unicorns??? Stop dreaming, be real, people’s lives are on the line.

Btw, even if psychiatric conditions are over diagnosed in autistic people, the point is still bad healthcare. Studies show antidepressants aren’t effective for autistic people. They still prescribe them. I’m not at all claiming the medicine is killing people. My point is WRONG HEALTHCARE. From all types of clinicians. They have all failed, and they have excuse templates, so there’s no need to help them make up more excuses, but do whatever.

one source

Oops. I didn’t mean to go on this rant. I happen to think that people causing harm is a problem. I know some disagree. 

I’m going to save the rest of my entry for another day. People pretending there is help and many autistic people dying before the age of 50 seem more important than what I was going to say about people who only look on the surface and don’t think. But I could easily relate these issues. 

P.S. People will say this study isn’t real b/c it was only autistic people in Sweden (or this or that), and we all know that autistic people in other countries have it much, much, much better. No sarcasm. To be clear, in Sweden, autistic people with co-occurring psychiatric conditions have a higher risk of dying before age 46. In the US, studies support the idea that autistic people have elevated mortality risk. I have seen ages ranging from 56 to 59. But let’s fight over this while people are currently at risk of dying due to horrible health care. 

Would it be tasteless to do my normal entry at this point? Never said I had class. I wanted this entry to be different. I’d started it, but I deal with reality. And some things I feel called to talk about, especially when other people aren’t saying it. I like it when others talk about things because I usually feel no need to. But many are interested in taking up for the “professionals,” and that’s not me.

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To add something kind of light, I want to visit the Obama Library. LOL. I had to look up info on it for my contract job, or I would know nothing about it. I saw the layout and what is free (most of it is free). The only downside when I first read about it was all the money and where it came from, but we live in a capitalistic society, and I order from Amazon and shop at Walmart, so how can I be critical of something like this? It’s just jarring because it’s billions. Anyway, wish I could go. I didn’t go anywhere in 2026. Beach in 2025. And the beach is like medicine.

So, beach or Obama library for 2027? I would go in May, so if the library is going to be crowded, then a beach trip. Hope I can afford 3 or 4 nights. Either way, my mom will go. She loves the beach, and she would like to see the library, so either would work for her. The beach will be easier and cheaper. I don’t have a big desire to spend on plane tickets. And ugh, will all the hotels cost more than $150 a night? Haha. Probably. Never been to Chicago. Except for the airport, when I went to Los Angeles. But we could always stay farther out, which is cheaper but harder to get around. And there might not be anything that we really want to do nearby. It will probably be a beach trip for May 2027. But who knows? I don’t count on anything anymore when it’s so far out. But I can dream.

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What I Did This Week

Music of the Week

Books of the Week

^{All They Will Call You (Camino del Sol) by Tim Z. Hernandez (Nonfiction) My rating: ★★★★ (4 stars) I’d never heard about this topic until I read the book. This book is about a plane crash that happened 70 years ago in California. There were 32 people, including twenty-eight Mexican citizens who were being deported by the U.S. Of course, the US government was on brand (nothing new here, folks)  as always and left out the names of the 28 Mexican citizens who died and were being deported, and the book tells that this story. At times, it seemed like a bunch of short stories about the 28 passengers, but it came together beautifully. (I don’t enjoy short stories.) From my notes: “dogs are loyal,” – about Lobo the Dog}

^{Thanks for Watching by Kate Cavanaugh (Fiction). My rating: ★★★ (3 stars). I was going to give it only 2.75 stars, but then I remembered that the only reason I finished was that a few parts were funny. Humor deserves some credit. From my notes: How many characters are in this book? My GOD. impossible to keep up with or care about 10 people. Why? 6 main characters would have made this book more readable.}

^{Tell Me Her Name by Kate Wiley (Fiction). My rating: ★★★ (really 3.5 stars). This reminds me of why I don’t read detective books or books about serial killers. It was interesting for about 50% of the book, but then it shifted to detective and silly serial-killer stuff. I don’t read nonfiction about serial killers. I haven’t found that fiction is any more interesting.}

^{This Is a Lie by Cleo Ballard (Fiction). My rating: ★★★ (really 3.5 stars). A book on AI going too far. I thought it would be better, but I didn’t like how the LLM had its own definition of good and bad. But that is reality. Sort of. It gets it from people. When asking questions, I run up against the idea that being good is defined as being outgoing and friendly all the time, and, of course, I’m like, uh, nope! So chatbots do that, but when programmed, they don’t have to be a certain “acceptable” way. That’s the point of programming it. Anyway, the chatbot went off the rails despite how it was programmed, and I didn’t like the main character or that she was fine with some illegal things the LLM was doing. So it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. But still an interesting book.} 

^{The Manor of Dreams by Christina Li (Fiction). My rating: ★★★★ (4 stars) A book about two Chinese American families and a house. I ran across this book by accident. The summary sounded interesting and a little far-fetched, but I’m glad I gave it a chance. There are family secrets, generational trauma, supernatural stuff going on in the house, and a lesbian relationship. That reminds me, I might have seen this book recommended for Pride Month. Anyway, good book. I was probably overly confused for the 1st 20% of the book, but I’m glad I didn’t quit reading it.} 

Quote of the Week

OMG. I just got approved for adopting two cats from the animal shelter. OMG. OMG. Sister and brother. 4 years old. House not prepared. %^#&. Holy…why do I do stuff like this? Not thinking logically. Impulsive. CHECK. ✔️🙀🙀🙀