I’ll just keep not sleeping and go “oh, well.” The usual. 

This was what I wrote today in my exasperated state:

I’ve come undone. Or maybe things are the same as always. 

I’m sick of people and their mixed messages. “Get another job.” Wait, I’m not going to allow you even to smell this job. Confusing on the surface.

But I have clarity. I just want them to shut up. Telling me to apply when I did. Multiple times. Doesn’t make sense. Are they trying to tire me out? No matter what I do. They will say Do more. Interesting right. And they do absolutely nothing. Apply 200 times because 56 times isn’t enough. Keep applying and shut up. 

I no longer excuse their behavior. They claim to “know stuff,” but they are constantly confused by things I consider basic knowledge. After all, it’s my day-to-day experience.

My boundary is:

I’m not going to blame the system. The “system” is made up of people making individual choices. They want to absolve themselves of any responsibility. They don’t want to acknowledge how they benefit from “the system.”

Glad that’s cleared up. For me. 

In case anyone needs or wants to read more about this kind of uh, “stuff,” here a couple of book recommendations:

• Subtle Acts of Exclusion, Second Edition: How to Understand, Identify, and Stop Microaggressions By Tiffany Jana, DM and Michael Baran
• Microaggressions and Traumatic Stress: Theory, Research, and Practice by Kevin L. Nadal Read the beginning for free via PDF.
• The Anti-Ableist Manifesto: Smashing Stereotypes, Forging Change, and Building a Disability-Inclusive World by Tiffany Yu

All of these can be found on Amazon, I think. I chose not to link to there today. I do link to Amazon when I’m rushing because it’s usually quicker.

I should at least have a top 5 for this topic, but I tend not to read in depth about things I deal with daily. As I say this, I’m reading another book on PTSD and auitism. There aren’t many books on that so I’m open to reading them all.

I love memoirs by people who have experienced a traumatic event (and cancer for some reason), but this stuff is too close to my life. I don’t need to read every book. I am the book. I am the study. I am the experience. Etc. But it would be good to have recommendations.