How did you feel/react when you found out you were autistic?
Well, when a doctor said it or when I found out myself? I didn’t really care about what the doctor said because she was so old school. She didn’t seem to believe that autistic people could make good grades or go to college. And no definition of autism hints at this. But I still got the diagnosis from her.
Anyway, I knew it all throughout my childhood. They thought I had social anxiety, but that requires wanting to socialize. Funny how they leave that part out.
Why am I talking about others?? Well, it is always about how others perceive me. Unfortunately, being autistic is mostly different because of the way others react. It’s too much of a social thing, and I don’t mean social skills.
I can’t remember when I first knew I was autistic, but what I was reading as a teen was people talking about social stuff. Okay, that explained 50% but it wasn’t all that helpful, so I kept reading about it off and on.
When I was done with college and working full-time in the office (not remote at that time), I read Don’t Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s by John Elder Robison, and I felt seen. I knew. I did say I had Asperger’s* when I was a teenager. Not to anyone in real life. But to myself. I forgot that back then, Asperger’s was different than autism.
TW: Nazis, violence
Some people still use Asperger’s, but I don’t. Hans Asperger was associated with the Nazis, so I don’t want anything to do with that. (He allegedly admired the Nazis and wanted to “eliminate” kids that didn’t fit in in Germany. There’s a lot more…)
I think Asperger’s is now autism spectrum disorder. But I’ve been diagnosed with BOTH. I think my PCP uses the term ” autistic disorder”, aka autism, and others have used autism spectrum disorder. But it probably doesn’t have a lot to do with me. It’s the doctor’s preference. I guess.
I just say autism and autistic. Not the spectrum stuff that might make some more comfortable because they can say, “on the spectrum,” without saying autism. No. My last, and I do mean last, as in final, therapist repeatedly said, “on the spectrum” during one session. I think she said it about 30 times. I never realized how odd that phrase sounded until then.
Most people mix “on the spectrum” and “autism” when talking about it, and that’s 100% fine with me. I don’t even notice that.
Oh, I went on an Asperger’s tangent. So, the book made me feel seen. I was around people in the office all day, and I HATED it. I’ve been wanting to reread that book since it’s been more than 10 years since I read it.
The thing about being autistic is that for me, it IS about other people. If I’m alone in a cabin, I have almost no issues. Sure, an animal (a bear?) could be problematic. They can affect the senses, but most things that affect my hypersensitive nervous system are stuff from humans, so if I’m not around people for a month, I’m most likely fine. My nervous system would love a break.
I think other autistic adults (by no means ALL), who can live alone, can relate to this. But some would get lonely. For me, the sensory stuff is so bad that I wouldn’t give up alone time.
It does feel good to have a name for something because then I can learn more about it. I have words for it.
But it didn’t solve much. If someone could cure my noise sensitivity, I would be very happy. But that’s not possible. The rest I can deal with. Sort of. I had to go out today, and I’m exhausted. And it wasn’t just the noise. I would also like not to collapse after running errands.
So, feelings? I’m autistic. Bad joke. Definitely a stereotype. I have alexithymia, which for me means it’s hard to NAME the feeling. When someone asks me how I feel. I usually say, “I don’t know,” “fine,” or “frustrated” when I’m not content.
To kind of answer this question about how I felt when I knew I was autistic, I felt validated and seen, but those feelings were short-lived because I focused on what mattered, like struggles in day-to-day life.