Toxic Positivity promises that gratitude is all you need. Losing my mobility taught me otherwise. Feeling general appreciation or gratitude does not fix everything when life unspools. Worse, when illness is involved, the insistence on gratitude can be alienating, and even cause harm. Patients feel castigated for not being “grateful enough”. – Jodi Ettenberg

I’ve been off since January 27th. Seven workdays. I was supposed to be off for 16 days, but I can’t afford that. Most of that would be unpaid. 13 of those days. Uh, yeah. I need money. My business is part-time because I have a job. It’s not set up to automatically go to full-time overnight. 

So, I’m going to call HR in about 3 hours to see what I have to do to come back “early” People come back early from maternity leave all the time, but this is FMLA. Unpaid sick time. I don’t know what they need. I can make a doctor’s appointment with a nurse practitioner. I can probably get in on Tuesday or Wednesday for a virtual visit. 

Hopefully, they just say, “Yes, you can come back.” No questions asked. FMLA is a good benefit if the person can afford it. I will probably update this post with the verdict later on. 

My blood pressure was 190/115 when I was at the ER. The doctor was extremely friendly and helpful. They gave me two Xanax, and my blood pressure slowly went down. The nurse scared me into going to the ER. The dizziness, light headiness, and headache were getting worse. So I didn’t feel okay sleeping it off. 

I drove to the closest ER. I just found out that’s it out of network with my insurance! Ugh. Hopefully, they will pay. I paid $320. Since I’m on BP meds, I don’t think this will happen again, but I would go to urgent care if it were during the day. I got to the ER around 11 PM. I had to get my stuff ready and my dog ready. All while feeling like I was going to faint.

I wouldn’t call an ambulance because I would have had to pay for that. I didn’t think about Uber. To me, it is was either drive myself or don’t go. 

I guess I’m not going anywhere for my birthday. My bday is on a Monday, and I will try to get that day off (assuming I still have this job). I was looking forward to going to the state park for a few nights. Whatever. 

I’m not going to wait to recover from burnout. I have two conditions that also affect fatigue. Gastroparesis causes fatigue because I’m not getting the proper nutrition* and people who are depressed often have fatigue. I don’t know if I would say it “causes it,” but you get it. 

*The only vitamin I can take was on backorder, so I haven’t been taking it every day. It finally shipped yesterday. I need my vitamin! 

Overall, the break has been okay. I did rest more. I also worked, of course. I have to do the work I’ve already been paid for, and if I want to get paid in the future, I have to do excellent work. I am still fatigued. But that’s normal. I tried to take Thursday entirely off, but I still worked for about 90 minutes. 

Today I’m back to work (my biz), and P told me about this book contest I desperately want to enter. Unfortunately, the due date is the last day of February. Ahh! I can’t edit the book by then. Wow. I will turn in something, but it won’t be my best work, and it won’t be complete.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Janet Jackson, Amy Grant, Kelly Clarkson, Ellie Goulding, Taylor Swift, Lindsay Lohan, Boyce Avenue, Jack Ingram

TV of the Week:  Dexter, Housewives, Big Brother

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, Morbid, Tara Brach, Dear Gabby, Something Was Wrong, Dateline

Books of the Week: Still reading Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke. I started Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb. 

Goal for Next Week:  LOL. Survive. Not get fired? Get fired? I haven’t had much luck lately. So I can trust that whatever happens will be bad for me. 

Weekend Plans: Work. I might take Sunday off. Maybe I’ll spend some of that day editing my book. I have my computer listed on eBay. I have to keep checking to see if it sells because I don’t check that email anymore. Also, I need to take better pics of the computer. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great week.