I’ve figured out my purpose in life. Excuse me for being selfish but what’s in it for me? Two people who never really talked, bonds over gossiping over me. Great. I’m glad you have friends now. And of course everyone can look at me/observe me and feel better about themselves. Wonderful. Is that all there is?? Oh yeah, way more than 2 people have bonded over talking about me. Everyone else seems to have a purpose. If this is really my purpose in life then it must be karma. I don’t believe in being punished for past lives but….I must have been a serial killer in my last life to have such a dismal purpose. :/

———–
Anger repression.
My whole life I’ve been repressing my anger. I let people throw things at me. I never said a thing. I let people push me. I never said a thing. I sit and listen to people talk about me. Never say a thing. etc.

People must be out of their mind, if they think I’m going to just take this shit. They call me crazy??? How crazy is their behavior? “We are going to talk about her, say she has diseases (or fill in the blank), mock her clothing and her gait, and laugh at her?” And this is at my current place of work.

WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS? NO ONE. People who repress their anger GO OFF. This is how shooting sprees happen. Read through the VA Tech files. He never said a thing and then he killed 30 people.

So no, I’m not going to feel bad about putting up my middle finger. Yes I meant “FUCK YOU”. This chick who usually works at home came into the office. She was ranting about me. She’s laughed before but nothing like this. This time she was starting stuff. So after an hour or so, I placed my hand under my desk and put up my middle finger. Not in her direction. I guess it was more at the world. Anyhow, one of my coworkers walked by and saw me. Of course she told. LOL.

Then days later she says to ‘no one’: It’s amazing what people will do when they think no one is looking.

WTF? No, I didn’t want anyone to see. That’s why I placed my hand under the desk. But I WAS DOING THIS FOR ME. It made me feel better. Here I am just sitting and listening to people make fun of me??? AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING? How ignorant is that? This is why I think I know more about human behavior than the average outgoing person. It’s because I observe but that is another entry.

It would be nice if I had another way to get the anger out. Eventually I want to be able to do deep breathing at my desk but as of right now, I’m too anxious (rigid) to do that. Getting up doesn’t really help. Walking around and sitting for about 10 minutes helps a tiny bit but I’m not exactly supposed to be doing that. (And I’m not complaining to my boss, scared of repercussions).

Sticking up my middle finger isn’t nice but neither is what they are doing. I know I need to come up with a better way to express my anger. I don’t do it everyday. Sometimes I just get sick of it. And it feels good to tell the world to FUCK OFF.

Goal: No middle finger for the rest of the week. 🙂