Been wanting to write more about autistic burnout and safety…but I’m burned out and not feeling like sharing. I have no desire to perform for platforms, algorithms, or people who want things only one way. So, I’m sharing a bit here. 

Here’s part I (mostly unedited):

I rarely walk into a room assuming I’m safe. It sounds a bit heavy when I say it out loud, but it’s just the reality.

It started in school, as it does for most of us. You’d think the “mean kid” stuff would stop once everyone gets a mortgage and a career, but it doesn’t. It just gets a haircut and a title. At work, it’s the way people glance at each other when I speak, or the subtle ways, like people always stop talking when they notice you are there.

The grocery store doesn’t feel safe either. Well, I have to start with that horrid lighting; I walk around dizzy during 30% of my outings. But I only feel like I’m going to faint during 10%, so it’s not that bad. And yes, this can happen during those “quiet hours” because you won’t believe it, but they leave those lights on. But hey, no obnoxious “music”, so A for effort?

So there’s sensory load, which is also a part of safety, and then there’s being. Existing. 

People stare if you’re a little too slow or too fast. at the self-checkout or if you’re wearing headphones or sunglasses to survive the fluorescent lights. I’m also throwing stuff at the self-checkout line because ugh, I need to get out of here! This is a safety emergency. 

I think when I mention needing “safety,” people assume I’m asking for a luxury. Like, I want the world wrapped in bubble wrap or something.

But it’s really just about the ability to live as expected.

It’s hard to explain that to people who haven’t had groups turn on them. Groupthink is more common than most people recognize. They see a normal room and think I’m overreacting because there’s no “obvious” threat. But my body doesn’t really care about the distinction. It remembers the times things went south with no warning, and it stays on guard just in case.

Things go south more often than not. So it’s impossible to ignore the clear pattern. The real threat.

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This won’t appear anywhere else word-for-word, but I may still erase most of it if I post this topic elsewhere. It would be edited and expanded. Mostly unrecognizable.  Part II may come in a week or two. 

What I Did This Week

Music of the Week

Books of the Week

Finished reading these books in the last two weeks:

• We Keep the Dead Close: A Murder at Harvard and a Half Century of Silence by Becky Cooper (nonfiction) – My rating: ★★★ (Really 3.75) From my notes: Too many details. I’m no longer paying attention to the details. Why is it relevant?
• My Wife is Missing by DJ Palmer (fiction) – My rating: ★★★★
• The Arrangement by Kiersten Modglin (fiction) – My rating: ★★★★

Quote of the Week

Safety is not a reward for performance.

Bridgette Hamstead