In a world that treats me like I just wandered in from nowhere, “a bit off” but tolerated….
When I first read this quote by Dr. Hendricks, my heart screamed YES, but as an adult I don’t feel tolerated by most. NOT including the ‘online world’ I am just here. I’m ignored, which is often my preference 87% of the time.
Even though I do decent work (sometimes very good, but with burnout I’m no longer consistently great), I am always surprised that someone pays me. I guess that means my WORK is sometimes tolerated, but I’m not.
People say to separate yourself from my work. Sorry, that’s neurotypical BS*. I know they can think that way and that’s better for their mental health, but it doesn’t MAKE SENSE. So, it’s pure crap to me. I’m doing the work, kiddo.
Neurotypical BS is stuff people say and think to feel better. It’s rarely TRUE. So, please don’t even attempt to say that to an autistic person unless you want to lose all credibility. We want honesty. Not fluffy bs. I don’t want to feel better. I want to feel what’s real.
Back to tolerated. Here’s is the definition:
to accept behavior and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them
HAHA. No. I feel like most people are hostile. My mom tolerates me. My dog definitely tolerates me. How else is he going to eat? I think my dad tolerates me too.
My sister thinks things like astrology are the devil, so we have different values, but I guess she tolerates me too because she doesn’t hate me, but she won’t acknowledge most of the things I believe in. If I gave her a book on tarot (wouldn’t do this), she would throw it away. She probably wouldn’t even bring it in her house. We are very different.
Who is tolerated? Outsiders who are very smart. If you’re smart, talented or extremely attractive, you can usually get away with more. I’m none of these and I’m autistic. That should explain everything to anyone who gets it. By the way, I don’t think these necessarily make life easier, but if a person wants to feel valued than this will assist them.
In the online world, I sometimes put myself in situations. I lurk most of the time. Invisible by choice, but when I do speak up…it’s just like real life but for different reasons. They hate the way I think. I write how I think. So, they hate me. But since it’s voluntary most of the time, I don’t feel as bad about this. I could not speak up online like I used to.
I’m 100% aware that I’m hated. But since I know more about autism, I know it’s not just me. I understand why autistic people mostly talk to other autistic people online. It’s not as exhausting and we can be pretty sure the person is being honest. No manipulative BS.
I used to only hang out online with the so-called outcasts (autistic, bipolar, schizophrenic, ADHD, socially anxious – basically neurodivergent people except being socially anxious isn’t necessarily ND) and I think I should go back to that OR not say anything at all.
I think I should choose silence. Should I try it for a week? A month? I doubt a week is long enough. If I go a month without commenting on any articles or videos (my main vices these days), I may be able to completely stop.
Unlike what “people say” I’m good at going cold turkey. I don’t need to habit stack to build a routine or whatever it is that “they say.” All of that is pure BS for me. I think I need to not engage for a week and see how that goes. Start date: tomorrow!
Congratulations to the few places where I share my thoughts. lol. I won’t be there anymore starting tomorrow. I did comment on an article about autism so if anyone responds tonight (I doubt it), I will respond.
I’m not going to stop blogging here since this isn’t a conversation. I’m being ME – what a concept! I tolerate myself here. For the most part. I guess…………
Oops. I should have read further. Dr. Hendricks continues:
The moment I look away from that rare connection, the world returns with force—a slap, not of surprise, but of relentless confirmation: You are not safe here. You are not wanted here.
Oh. We are on the same page. Unfortunately. Have to go to bed.
Wow. Another quote:
I write, because writing is resistance. I write, because they want us silent, and I won’t give them that.
I tried that but it’s too exhausting. I will blog here about everyday life and whatever is happening. Like tonight, I was reading this. But I cant be an online activist especially while working so much. I should be sleeping right now.
Of course, they want me quiet and I will give it to them. They win. Again.
(Here’s the link to the whole piece by Dr. Hendricks. )