I have a little time to post because I surprisingly don’t have part-time work tonight. But I do have an hour of training I could be doing, but if it’s going to be slow all weekend, I can do that tomorrow. I was planning on working 8 hours this week. So far, I have less than 4. Oh well.
If I pick a word for 2025 it will probably be mercy. It can’t be forgiveness because people are aware of what they are doing and still doing it. SO, forgiveness is too nice. I can easily forgive people who do one thing and it’s in the past. I do it all the time.
However, I (and others) need to give people mercy. And I don’t want to. Well, I wish it was in the past and then there would be nothing to forgive.
The definition of mercy:
compassion or forbearance. Shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one’s power.
a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion
kindness that makes you forgive someone, usually someone that you have authority over.
compassionate treatment of those in distress (Who’s in distress? Them or me? Okay, I’ll move on.)
kindness shown toward someone whom you have the right or power to punish
The last definition is close to what I intend. BUT I have no power. Obviously. If I did this wouldn’t be happening!!
I must show mercy to people who have no mercy or compassion for me. It’s easy for me to do which is the problem. Growing up I was the empathetic person who could truly feel everybody’s pain (not the fake Bill Clinton crap). I can’t change this about me. I think it’s an autistic thing. Not really a personality thing. But it doesn’t matter.
There’s a divide in my mind. I hate that these people want to turn me into a monster. Not a criminal monster. But a person who doesn’t care about people at all. I should hate them for being so shitty. But I can’t.
Every time I’m forced to explain why I deserve something they naturally have; I get triggered and angry. It happens all the time for people who must ask for accommodations (usually because people are crappy and selfish).
WHY MUST WE BEG FOR THE BASICS?
This will never be okay to me. Never. Occasionally asking for things is fine. That’s normal. Everyone who can communicate in some way does it. Even pets! But constantly having to ask for the bare minimum is NOT HUMANE.
Mercy. Do they deserve mercy? Yes. Everyone does, but I still hate it. And this is my problem. The only answer I got from someone is to not allow people to do this. SIGH. Well…Um….I need the manager of the US Government because I should be getting some of my SSDI.*
*Funny because I did call them on Thursday afternoon. I wish I could just call and rant about why and all that. Anyway, I just wanted to know why there’s no documentation that I applied in 2021. I know why. Those people in that city didn’t do crap. So, it probably was never documented. Kind of strange because I would think that filling out the application would at least get noted, but they didn’t even do that!
Hopefully the lack of documentation doesn’t hurt me in the future. I already got told, “You never even applied for SSDI.” Um, yes, I did. Not my fault that they ignored it. I never got to respond to her because it wasn’t that kind of meeting.
So, I called the 1-800 number for Social Security to see if they have any proof that I filed. They have a wait time of 2 hours (!!!) so I didn’t hold but asked for a call back. They called back about 4 hours later. I didn’t have my ringer or vibrate on, and I missed the call. Of course! Might call back when I’m bored and not too wound up.
I haven’t explain the whole mercy thing well because I don’t like constantly feeling triggered (yes, the real PTSD). I hate when other people trigger me, so I probably shouldn’t write about it and make myself get so emotionally dysregulated. It’s Friday evening, and I don’t want to spend it that way.
If I can’t even blog about it here, what are the chances of me verbally telling someone or even emailing someone I know about it???? I can explain it (not 100% so someone else can feel it) but explaining it takes me right back to where I’m having to beg for their mercy and 90% of the time when I ask for something, I haven’t gotten it. So why bother? The pain isn’t worth it.
I have to go.
Why is everyone testing me today? Even my dog. Maybe I can take him to the park. I just need it to be over 40 degrees and some sun. Please? The cold can make me cry and I don’t need that. All the people testing me this week for whatever reason will easily be forgiven. I’m human. They are human. No one is clean. Except my dog (who isn’t human – thank god!)