UGH. They’re liars, all of them. One reason I’m mad is because I’ve decided to give up. I’m going to let them win. I’m usually not competitive. But if something seems unfair, I stand up and say no. This is a new thing. I used to be too scared to say anything. But now I’m 100% for the underdog, and I have to say something when something isn’t right.

So, letting them win feels like a defeat of my values. Why should they win? Just because they know the right people. They all communicate the same way. They have more resources than me? Is that worth a win?

I don’t want to admit defeat. I don’t want to be nice to them because they don’t “deserve” it. I know that last part isn’t a beneficial way of thinking. I know this isn’t right. “Deserving” isn’t supposed to be part of my morals. But in this way, it has shown up. I don’t want to forgive Sally because she doesn’t deserve it. I admit this isn’t helpful. Well aware.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing game. I know I’m fighting a losing game. They are better than me. Or they are valued more than me. Should I just lay down and accept that?

I am stubborn. Since birth. But I used to let them run all over me. I don’t want to fight just for myself. But right now, I feel forced to advocate. I wish I didn’t have to. But the world sucks.

I judge them. To be rude to someone without basic needs. No empathy. But even before all this, I know their empathy is barely there. IF there at all.

Why are people determined to piss me off. Now it’s PayPal.

Yes, a lot of this is due to burnout. I have to work 10 hours today. This sucks. I can barely perform and no one cares. SO WHY SHOUD I CARE ABOUT THEM. 

I don’t want to be this way. But what if I’m doing my best with the energy I have? I refused to be crucified for that. I wouldn’t crucify someone else for TRYING or doing their best. Will I like it? Not necessarily. But I wouldn’t be mean to them or judge them as a person for what they did or didn’t do. But these are MY VALUES.

Yet, they think I’m a bitch. Fine. I get it. But I don’t agree.

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Currently

Music of the month: Taylor Swift, Shania Twain, Ed Sheeran, Kelly Clarkson, Ariana Grande, Gracie Abrams, Lainey Wilson, Noah Kahan

Books I’m Reading/Read: The last book I read was Kill for Me by Michael Phelps. Enjoyed it. It was a little slow at first, but I like most Phelps books, so I’m not surprised that it got better.

I’m reading We Play Games by Sarah Denzil. Enjoying this book so far. I don’t think a book exists (yet). It’s only on audiobook.

I found my 2021 Kindle Paperwhite. That was the last Kindle I bought because the battery life is horrible even though I always read in airplane mode. I’m sort of glad I found it because I was considering saving for a newer Kindle. So now, I don’t feel the need. I want to read more books on Kindle or Paperbacks, but I’m too busy now to have a goal like that.

TV I’m enjoying: Vanderpump Rules, Housewives, Women in the Wall

I’ve been watching mostly documentaries. Have a good weekend. Gotta go.