I never say anything. EVER. EVER. And to use Kelly’s words: it was creepy. I was listening to Jx talk on the phone. eavesdropping, bitches! I would never have said anything if she had not mentioned my name. She said my name. It was on!
Most people when they talk about me don’t even know my name. Which is fine. It’s what I like. I’d rather not be known at all.
Anyhow Jx was trashing others too, not just me. She exaggerated about me (won’t call it a lie but…). And she wondered how the hell I got hired. Well they all wonder that and me too sometimes. So no biggie. What kinda shocked me is what the other person on the line said. She doesn’t want to work with me. I can’t get into specifics for obvious reasons. But the feeling is mutual. I have nothing against her but the way she um, how can I say this without giving anything away? Um, the way she works doesn’t work for me.
But she’s fake nice enough. You know, normal. 😉
BACK TO THE IMPORTANT PART: ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve never said anything to them before because:
1.) I’m “shy”.
2.) I don’t have good communications skills aka don’t know what the fuck to say
3.) I hate confrontation..
4.) They have been pretty good in the past about never saying my name.
My therapist and even my boss (urgh!) have said, “why don’t you say something to them?” UM, hello. They never talk to me. Never directly say my name. So why would I say, STFU or something? I’m not going to butt into a convo but I will listen to you! LOL. Be careful when you talk about people.
So I basically said to her:
I’m not offended by anything you said but…I’m shy. Sometimes I have my earphones on and I can’t hear you. And if you ever have a problem with my work, please just tell me so I won’t make the mistake in the future. I want to fix it myself.
Keep in mind, my voice was shaking. I know she didn’t get the beginning beyond, “I’m not offended by anything you said.” She heard that. But after that I mumbled about shyness. I hate saying stuff like that. So it didn’t come out right. I wanted to say that I never ignored you. She knows I spoke to her when she spoke to me on several occasions. I do know that at least once she must have said something and I didn’t respond because she later gossiped about it. She wasn’t being malicious…
Back to my voice, it was shaking, then my eyes started to tear up like to do every time I say anything of substance. Or even if someone just compliments me. I don’t know how to control that. And that is the least of my problems. She did respond to the what I said about work. I finally stopped mumbling about personal/social shit and got down to business. That part was kinda professional. Except I ran off…I had already clocked out. (I came in late because of my mid term. See my previous entry). I want it to be only about work but in the world of office politics. Sigh.
I finally stood up to someone. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! It took about 3 decades! However…
There is a slight issue. I don’t care what people think about eavesdroppers. I hate tattle tales. Most people fall in one group. Or both. LOL. But I am a little concerned? I don’t know if that is the right word because she can stand on her own. She isn’t a timid person. She did say bad things about the boss and one other person. A part of me knows she is wondering, “Is she going to say anything to the boss?” She knows I won’t gossip to anyone in the office.
But she has to be wondering about me telling the boss. She said horrible things. I. am. not. exaggerating.
Of course I won’t say anything to my boss but it kinda confirms what I intuitively knew about her (my boss) but never wanted to admit it. I wanted to be naive and think she was nice. I’ve had nice bosses before so that is the norm for me (yes I know I’ve been very lucky …). And I shouldn’t say anymore. I’ll just say that Jx phone conversation confirmed by thoughts. I didn’t want to believe it because she was always fake nice (normal nice) to me. But now I get it.
More later.