FUCK. People = problems.

lol. My sister stopped talking to me over a decade ago. i was about 16/17. She’s a year older than me. She doesn’t live in the state. My mom has asked me twice to go to eat with them tomorrow morning. ARGH. I haven’t seen her in I don’t know how many years. And what are the chances I will TALK? So if I go it will be:

1. me sitting silently
2. possibly an awkward situation (you think?)
3. when do I leave

If I sit there silently, then it will haunt me FOREVER. The problem with social anxiety is, people always think it is about THEM. They think you don’t like them. I’m so over that. My dad came by about 3-4 years ago and he thought I hated him because I didn’t talk. I felt soooooo bad that I told him I had social anxiety in a letter! I’ve never told anyone that!

So say I go and say nothing? Who wins? What’s the point? Everyone will just feel crappy. It is easier for me to talk to a complete stranger (or C at work) then talk to this person I’m supposed to know. I don’t know her. She is outgoing. And I don’t have anything planned to say because she just invited me again today. I thought I was in the clear.

This is sorta a no win situation. My mom is nuts if she thinks I’m going to talk. I don’t talk around people I feel uncomfortable around. I feel like going just so she/they will stop inviting me. Or at least they know why I say “no”. Geez.

I can’t win. Winning for me would be not going because I know what is going to happen. THEY DON’T. I’d rather go to a family reunion where I could keep getting up and moving. But just sitting there. God. This sounds almost as bad as an job interview.

FUCK.
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work: Some people at work act like we are a family where everything someone does is about them. weird.

Oh and they have info for me: If you start acting the way I want you to act, I will stop talking about you. LOL.

I don’t even want to go into their brains anymore. Quit reading shit on my desk. I don’t go anywhere near yours. I respect people’s boundaries. I have quotes on my desk to help me not be so emotional. The world is a stage. This is the only way I can operate in a social sitting. I’m trying not to go nuts, people.

If you don’t get that FINE. I’m over this social crap. You guys are playing a game and I don’t know the rules.
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Michael Jackson: In hindsight I’m not shocked he died. I was hoping he would go to rehab again. I didn’t realize he was 50. He went to rehab for pain killers. Who doesn’t think he relapsed?? How much did he weigh?? hello?! I wonder did he ever have surgery. Performers/dancers are like athletes so them being addicted to pain meds is not shocking. Britney Spears had 2 knee surgeries before she had any kids. That is probably why she doesn’t dance like she used to. Either she can’t or she’s scared.

The news is still surreal. And I haven’t really grasped it. Every time someone says “MJ dead”, I sorta gasp as if I didn’t know. So it isn’t real to me. My first record was a Michael Jackson record from my dad. Sigh. 10 years ago, I would have been devastated. He was obviously painfully shy and probably had social anxiety. I connected with him as a person more than I did his music. Of course I loved his music too.

I hope he finds peace. Life wasn’t heaven on earth for him. He was so quiet and soft spoken.

I wish Neverland still existed so his life could live on that way. Fans could visit…and see his world. Imagine what it must have been like to give that up. At that point I knew it was “over” for him.

Yeah some of my love did die, over the confusion of the whole sexual molestation case but now I think he was asexual. An asexual person would not molest a child. There is no pleasure in sexual activities. But he is gone now and I hope no one got hurt.

o god, for the first time since the news of his passing, I’m getting teary eyed.

From Lisa Marie’s blog:

He was an amazing person and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many experiences and years that we had together.

I desperately hope that he can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.

He deserves to be free from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.

I　also hope　that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him　can be set free because he hopefully　finally is.

The World is in shock but somehow he knew　exactly how his fate would be played out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.

fav MJ songs: Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough, Rock With You, Remember The Time, Heal The World, Human Nature, This Time Around…etc. 🙂