I’ve been so busy. Normally I would have erased my previous post the next day. LOL. Skip the first part to read about me having a kid at 40 years old.
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Asocial : not social: as a: rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction
I’ll try to explain something. I know people with social anxiety will get it. But I think people who have been emotionally abused or are highly sensitive can get this too. I don’t know how this will go. The average person will just think “she’s crazy”. That’s one reason I don’t open up to people. Only 1% of the reason.
Someone in my department asked me to go to lunch. We are going next week. This wasn’t the first time she asked. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time. Once we agreed not to go. The other times we “forgot”. I should be happy to possibly have ONE friendly face @ work. But I’m not because people are complicated. It is too hard to keep up a social charade. I don’t have enough energy to be anyone other than myself. I can’t. keep. any. act. up. (cannot reiterate enough). I also can’t lie. I suck at it. And I naturally tell the truth.
Here’s the problem with people I see daily. work or wherever I would go daily.
1. Before anything even happens, I’m thinking “ugh, I have to speak to her everyday.” This isn’t about a conversation. Saying hi FIRST is extremely hard for me. And I never say bye. Speaking is assuming YOU care. Why should you care about me when we aren’t friends? I know most people do it naturally. They smile, speak and ask “How are you?” without giving a damn. I have not gotten that concept down. If I ask how you are, it is because I want to know details about whatever ‘it’ is.
This is a problem because I dread this shit. I don’t even bother faking it for one day because I know I’m not doing it daily. This is partially social anxiety thing plus being emotionally fucked with in the past.
2. I don’t do small talk. I know a lot of people HATE it. But guess what they can do it! It just doesn’t click in my brain to talk about random stuff I don’t care about. This is probably why I will never have friends. (BTW, I’m open to one close friend not friends). okay so like I’m supposed to talk about the like weather? Are you serious? I want to know your thoughts on soul mates or what your favorite music is. I’d even talk religion or politics….as long as the other person is open minded enough to not be offended. I’m considered radical where I live.
The walls I have around me are made of steel. I would rather you hate me…and you do 🙂 before I open myself up to you.
I’m ending part I. I will probably post part II this weekend if I can break away from studying. It is about intrusion.
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This is completely random. I have no desire to have a kid right now. none. In fact I say, “Thank god I don’t have kids” at least 5 times a week. I’m 29 years old. I’ve decided that at 40, I will made a decision about ‘having’ a child. I would have to have my dream house and be content with life. I’m too much of a pessimist to believe that will happen. To me that is a dream…a possible dream.
There are many problems with this: I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. There are enough kids in America who desperately need homes. There is no desire for me to have a mini-me. And I don’t want to spread my genes. Seriously.
That leads to two more dilemmas.
*Morally (FOR ME – I’M NOT JUDGING OTHERS), I don’t believe in bringing a child into the world without a male role model. I don’t have male friends so….and no there is no male in my family to do this. I have no moral problems with being a single parent or being a gay family but there must be a male figure in my kid’s life. A constant person. A person I can trust and count on.
*I want a potty trained kid. Thanks. Okay that isn’t the problem. The problem is who would give me a child? I could have sex with someone (no thank you) and have a kid, but ME passing through the adoption process?? LOL. I’m serious about the potty trained part. I don’t know how old the kid would have to be…I know nothing about kids or babies.
Therefore, at 40 I will probably not have my one adopted kid. Too many problems. But I’m making the kid decision in 11 years. I just want the world to know.